My Personal Space

My heart kind of hurts.

I can't seem to smile naturally. I seem very uneasy putting on my usual cheery front infront of my family. B'cus it isn't genuine at all I know. Beneath that set of teeth and wide smile unveils a measurable amount of gloominess.


Why do I feel so difficult to be me?
Why do I feel that people cannot accept and love me for who I am?
Sometimes, I feel that I may look normal and behave tough, but deep down I'm as weak & vulnerable as anything. The tougher I appear, in actual fact, the more vulnerable & inferior I feel. I suppose acting tough has been a norm for close to 21years of my life.


Practically every night, I would conduct a self reflection and think about myself, my life, happenings in the day, recent happenings as far as I can remember. Sometimes, I smile at the good things I've done. Sometimes, I frown at the nonsensical things which I've done. & more than often, I find myself frowning more than smiling.


Am I really that bad a person? Do I really inhibit so many flaws that people, be it friends or family, who love me have to endure it and simply take in all my bad & tolerate me?

The biggest flaw that I know clearly of myself is my temper. Since young, when I still had a complete family, I find myself sinking into a tension-filled environment whereby it's totally normal to hear door slams or even loud shoutings. & since then, I naturally adopt that reason of dad bad tempered, mum bad tempered thereby producing an equally bad tempered me. That is what I say to people. But who really ever knows? Every night I blame myself for that stupid excuse. I tell myself & believe that a person's character is nurtured by one's own discipline and mentality. Have I not tried to get rid of the very bad flaw of mine? I try so hard yet it's so hard to get rid off. When times happen, I find my emotions getting to the better of me. & people dislike me for it. Truth is, I dislike it myself. It feels really terrible getting really mad. & at times, I really don't wish to be angry but there are certain expectations in my life and when it falls below the expectation, I really can't bring myself to accept the facts right in front of me, especially when it's actions by my very loved ones.


My expectations bar may measure up to the neck. But I can always lower it down to knee-level but the other party have to compromise to bring the level up to at least an in-between level.
All I see is the future. All I can think is ahead. Not the past, neither the present. All the things I see focuses at the bigger picture. Every expectation of mine has a very reasonable & practical meaning. Fulfilling the expectation would, I can 101% guarantee, not bring any disappointment or failure in the near future. I need my other half to understand this point and see this with me so that we can move forward together not only in steps but in strides & eventually a blossoming future. Are guys simply maturing too slowly or am I simply maturing too fast? Or like what my boyfriend says, I'm too sensitive. I'm too petty. I'm too bad tempered. The last, I would accept. But the first two?


My heart broke into an infinity pieces when I read that peculiar msg. A person whom I love and whom I thought loved me back as much actually think that I'm a pretty much pain in the ass with all the flaws which assumingly, he has been tolerating.
I feel true being myself. I feel I have to be myself because I do not want any barrier and I do not want people to think that I'm a oh-so-perfect girl because I'm not. I admit. I'm seriously not. You see me for who I am. You like it you take it. You don't like it you leave it. Having said so much, do I have to change myself to suit to the likings of others? If I can accept the other person for who he or she is, accept the very fact that the flaws are part of him/her, why can't the other person do that to me too?

I feel I have changed so much after getting into my current relationship. I've put in my all, I've done all he expects or wanted. So much so when friends met me again after a long time, they were surprised & amazed at my change. In the past, I give no damn to my boyfriends. 'Respect' ain't in my dictionary at all. But everything's not the same now. Yet, my boyfriend doesn't feel that I've changed he ever once said. Which I probably could understand since he haven knew the old me. But it still hurts because I thought the least he could, was to be able to feel it. But... apparently not.


Not that everything that I do, I expect the same level of return, I do not dare say I am doing everything to his liking and do not bother about my own interest, but at least I try my best to suit him to please him. Yet, he never once did anything for me. Ok let me rephrase. He never once fulfilled what he promised me. Take just one example. He once told me that for me, he will quit smoking. When was that promise even made? I really don't remember anymore. To me, I do not want to see that as a promise, for a broken promise would hurt me thrice as much as anything else. There are other incidences, yet I do not wish to speak of. So many issues I have been taking in and accommodating does he not feel it at all? So many sacrifices is he even aware of? It really hurts when I've put in so much effort just to get disappointment after disappointment after disappointment. But it's okay. For this is love. My love for him. Even if he doesn't fulfill what he promised, I wouldn't make a big fuss out of it. I would trust and have faith that he has his reasons.


I'm sorry for the long post but I feel really sad. I think and I wonder... am i really that bad a girl. For all I want is just simple love. I said before; I do not need the riches and fame. All I want is pure happiness. For someone to adore me and pamper me like a little girl. To fill up all the emptiness & torment I've faced in my heart for the past 6years. Is it so impossible? Is it so hard to find someone who love me so much and will never bear or be able to put anything else before me? Is the era that we're living in now truly, completely void of true love and replaced with broken families and a surge in divorce rates?


During dinner, my cousin talked to me.
We were on the topic of cars as Kenneth was asking dad to get WRX 2.0 auto transmission. Then he was telling me that his friend is selling his Integra - Silver fully mod for an Evo 10. & he was asking my cousin if he's interested. And I asked my cousin,"Then?"

My cousin shook his head and said, "I told him no. 2 door car is not for me. I have a family."
My cousin just had little Raelene & since then, he had changed alot.

It made me ponder.....
Must the official certificate of marriage be present before one party can treasure the other party? Must the presence / arrival of the 3rd little one make one sacrifice and put love and responsibility infront of anything else?
Why can't such treatment be given during the relationship?


I am so confused. I feel so lost. I feel numb from all the heartaches. I feel overwhelmed by my own love for him and not a comparable amount of return.

I believe what goes around always come around. & I suppose it's time I receive my karma for all the bad I've done in the past.

I'm sorry if I am really a failure,
I will try to live to be a better person.

一个人不懂什么是拥有
两个人不懂怎么把握
越在乎就越脆弱