♥, *Rin

I'm looking for a lover not a friend
Somebody who can be there when I need someone to talk to
I'm looking for someone who won't pretend
Somebody not afraid to say the way they feel about you



And I'm looking for someone who understands how I feel,
Someone who can keep me real and who knows always
The way I like to have it my way
And I'm looking for someone who takes me there,
Wants to share, shows he cares
Thinking your the one that I've been waiting for



I'm looking for someone to share my pain
Someone who I can run to, who would stay with me when it rains
Someone who I can cry with through the night
Someone who I can trust who's heart is right



Don't Take for grant
How much I care
And appreciates that I'm there
Someone who listens
And someone I can call who isn't afraid of thought to share



Is it you? Is it you?
Maybe you're the one I've been waiting for
Could you be the one for me?
Could you be the one I need?

============================================================

5years ago

The very one & only guy who rejected me,
when I was never rejected.
The guy who threw me into a pool of tears and skipped all my recesses and random flag-raising ceremonies just to avoid him.
The only one & only guy I was thereafter disgusted and welled up alot of hatred within me for him.
I could never make myself forgive him ever, I told myself then.
In my eyes, he was just a fucking loser and a fucking nobody to me.


Four years later

He looked me up. I grew up. I decided to take one step back and remove the hatred and thought maybe we could be friends all over again.
He was a changed person. He was all good towards me and nothing else mattered more than me.
I was skeptical. It took me some time before I let him into my heart.
Even when I let him in, it was only done partially.
I didn't gave him my all then.


Over time, over the 10mths that we've lived together,
I grew to love him more genuinely, with my all.
Unfortunately, it seems to me, the other way round for him.


I know that I have no more chance to talk to him.
Even if I want to or I do, he thinks that I'm just picking on him that I simply wants to end it so badly.
He simply thinks that I want to shut him off by saying he don't understand.
How I badly wished he could understand, that all would work out.
But in actual fact, he don't.
If I wanted to pick on him, why do I even bother to try to make things work?
It just didn't make any sense.


For the past 3days, I've been crying out to nobody.
I cried out to god. I asked them why is this happening.
I asked why do I have to go through this torment.
I asked why is he so cold-blooded to treat me this way?
I asked what did I do wrong?
I asked what else can I do because I am feeling really helpless and useless right now.
So many things have happened between us but it seems like nothing ever happened to him.


"You will forget me in no time. =)"
was all he said to me.


Maybe people seeing this might go, she's very naive. She's so silly. It's not worth it. Time will heal.
I know. But I can't help it right now.
It's like asking you to kill your own parents. You love them don't you? Do you bear to kill them?


I read the card he gave me with my first miffy last night,
& that was when I cried the hardest, the longest and the most in my 20yrs of life.
B'cus that is when I knew, I really, really, really, lost him.


I have to face it. He's just not that into me.

Some things can't & shouldn't be fixed, especially when he forced me to end it;
Yet thinking that I want to end it so badly when I don't even want this at all.

I'm really really really sorry to all my girl friends for all the rejections - for attempting to plan many events for me, plan for meet ups.. Be it dinner or supper to accompany me.
Invited me to go over to their place for stay over so that I won't be alone.. & when I said I really don't wish to go out or anywhere or even do anything, offered to come over instead to keep me company because I really shouldn't be alone.
I am really really sorry I really can't do it.

If I do also, sound harsh or irritated or do not have any good attitude towards you all, I sincerely apologise over here.

I hope you all can understand that the going for me is really tough.
I am not in the mood for anything. To the extend, I skipped my tuitions, and I'm even thinking of going MIA for work next week.. I wish I could be kept sane. I wished I will have the strength to not do such silly things. B'cus I'm more than that.
Of course, do not worry for I promise no matter how much others do not treasure me, I will treasure my own life and will not do anything foolish.

5 years ago, I was torn apart, by him,

5 years later, history repeat itself.

I guess I owed him a great deal in our last lives.

If this, can, atone for all my sins and all my wrong I've done to him in my previous life,
I will, accept it graciously.