Flashback.
That secondary four girl in her room at her grandma's. Mugging at 3 4am for her biology paper the next morning. Till the breaking point, she cried.
Dad came in seeing tears streaming down her face and told her,"If I can't absorb anymore, then it's okay..."
Juggling between e math & a math. She flung both. A month before O's, she told her dad that she need to drop a math. Dad didn't object, neither did he lecture. He simply let her take control of her own education path.
Eventually, she did fairly well for her O's. Everyone was proud of her. She was proud of herself for she believed she worked to the best of her abilities. She did not pursue the JC path like all her other peers who were academically inclined. Yes, she entered Poly. The one & only course she wanted to get in to. But she was playful. She didn't work hard. & merely brushed through poly in 3 years.
She never believed or wanted to pursue her degree. For she knew herself more than anyone else, how incapable she is of handling academic stress. A year after tutoring, she decided to pursue her degree. She decided to work very very hard this time round, upon regretting not working hard in Poly, ending up getting sucky GPA.
She was consistent and hardworking.
But at some point, the momentum was broken and it's like what the elderly always say,
"It takes 3 years to learn to be good, but only 3 days to go astray."
Indeed. She was never able to pick up the momentum again. Till this day. When her prelims are a day away and she's not even halfway through for the paper. That's only one module. The other three? Untouched.
What's happening to her.
All of these may sound like excuses to you, but she is really trying so hard to sit down & mug but she just can't. Thinking no matter how well she absorb, she's slow. Slower than the rest. & she'll never be able to finish in time for her prelims. Maybe others can easily study 3 4 chapters in an hour, but barely 1 for her. That's how bad it is.
God, this is torturing.
It's mentally & physically torturing, I can't take it anymore.
Josh sms-ed me and said, "Don't ever give up."
I wish I can.
Everyone else - Boyfriend, Jackson, Dada, Xuan, Ivan. Thank you all for pushing me constantly. Asking me to study almost every single day.
I really don't want to disappoint all of you. The more I don't wish to disappoint myself and my dad.
It doesn't matter who I am going to prove right or wrong to. I can't even prove myself wrong. That I am able to make it.
If I can't even help myself, then... who can?
I promise I'll be okay once the tears dry.
Love,
DDR
(Demoralised & Devastated Rin)
Perhaps, this path I chose to walk on is nothing but a mistake.
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