♥, *Rin

Dear Diary,


Someone I bumped into yesterday sms-ed me later on, saying he was saddened just by looking at the sadness in my eyes. Because he knew how I felt, for he had been through it lately.


You know, I'm really crushed. You are my only diary, in a way, it's a public diary. Henceforth, there are many things which I may not truly list it out here. I can blog up to 10 times a day now I think. B'cus every single time I feel so down, the one place which my mind would want to turn to is: Blog. I mentioned before, that a blog to me, is a place for me to have verbal diarrhoea. For me to say everything's that cooped up in me. After which, I would feel better. But that feeling doesn't last for the problem after all, still remains at 原点 . It's only a temporary relief, but at least, it keeps me sane and abstain me from looking out of the window in the middle of night.


I realised that in 5days, I've transformed into another self, which I don't even recognise when I look in the mirror. Physically, I look so tired. I feel thinner and weaker. Every night, I only manage to fall asleep at 4 5am... It's been a routine already. & when I wake up the next morning, I feel so lethargic. My sociology prelim paper's 6 days away. It's the only paper I was most confident of. & I was diligently planning my study plan starting Monday last weekend. Leaving days when he's free empty so that we could spend some time together. I guess, it's all gone to the drain now. It's starting that Monday night when my world crashed down on me. & I seriously don't know what I've been doing since then. Besides crying myself to sleep every night, besides dreaming away during the daytime, besides being extremely strict to my students during tutoring due to my very bad mood, besides being nasty to everyone around me, I really don't know what did I actually do that was useful.


I realise I have been building defense around myself for the last 5 days. I can't seem to trust anyone. I can't seem to believe anyone. I can't seem to listen to anyone. I can't seem to find myself. I feel so tired. Friends call me, friends bring me out, try all ways and means to make me happy. I don't want to bore them. I laugh. I joke. I play. I fool around. But the minute I step back into my room, my little princessy world, and close the door behind me, the tears just start streaming down my face. The mask on my face disappears almost instantly and automatically. I feel so tired trying to act like someone whose clearly not me. I feel so tired saying things I don't mean it at all. I feel so tired doing things which I don't want to do. I feel so tired & sick & disgusted trying to force everything which clearly isn't my intention.


Let me seek comfort in you just this last time dear diary, & I promise I will not hang my dirty linen in the public anymore.
I'm so hurt. I'm so torn. I'm so in pain. Yet I'm so angry.
Before I fell asleep last night, I asked "him" several questions. Nobody answered me of course. That silence, that emptiness, that lonely soul of myself lying with miffys in my arms, was, I guess, the answers.
I'm so angry with him, for choosing the perfect time to leave me when I need his support the most. At a time I'm struggling with my prelims, with my exams, at a time I'm feeling so helpless. He cruelly walked out of my life and never looked back. Girlfriends know how easily affected I am. Yet, encouraged me to try to focus on my studies. But I just know that I can't. He was my drive in life. He was the reason for my driven disposition. He was like the wheels of my car. Without my wheels now, how can my car ever move?
I don't know if I want to cry or laugh when he ironically hopes that I excel in life and get good grades when he just stabbed me to death. Not once. But TWICE.


I read through all the long emails that was sent to me way back then. He said...

♥How much he realised he was so stupid to put friends infront of his own happiness.
♥How much he wanted to tell me of his true feelings way back then yet, held back.
♥How much I shocked him during our first meetup after so long simply because I speak English. & eventually, in his entire life, I was the first he communicated so much with English.
♥How he realised his heart started pumping for me when it hurt so much when I got back together with my ex.
♥How he couldn't control his feelings cus he had fallen deeper and deeper in love with me.
♥How though I'm not his prettiest, but I'm all he wanted to give his best to.
♥How he don't want to get in and out of a relationship anymore.
♥How he really wanted to get together with me and treasure and cherish me.
♥The card written by him, thanking me for accompanying him through his last months before he enlisted into army. How he can't bear to go because of me. How he felt that the only thing he lost to my ex was time. and how he assured me that he loves me as much as him.
♥How hard he tried to surprise me just so because I believe that the one who can really succeed I would marry.


How touched I was to this him. That I fell for him. & that's how everything started. My first promise to him, I will wait for him for 2years. I will stay by his side & I'll never leave him. I will go through thick & thin with him, and not let him fall. How he changed my mindset of not getting married. How I naively believe that he was my all and the one, then, till the rest of my life.. It doesn't matter now whether my promise still holds, because he never gave me the chance to fulfill it.


What's happiness? There's no such word in my dictionary anymore.
What's love? There's no such emotion in my dictionary anymore.
What's trust? I don't know what's trust anymore.
What's promise? I really learn now that promises are meant to be broken.




爱你的人就站在你面前,为什么你就是看不到她?



Maybe, we were not meant to be right from the beginning.
Or maybe, what you had for me then was only an infatuation that doesn't last us a lifetime.


It doesn't matter if I may not find my true love anymore,
at least, I should appreciate that I ever found my true love.
It's better to have loved and lost, than to not love at all.

我一无所有, 因为我给了你所有

♥,
Rin A