♥, *Rin

Day 327


Life has been pretty tough. No, then again, very.

Today, I had 2 lessons. The first one was as early as 930am and I only managed to fall asleep at 2+ 3 with the pillows soaked in a saltish liquid called 'tears'. This explains why I had to go for my lessons trying hard to open up my extremely tired and swollen eyes. It was the aftermath of all the pain inside me which I had tried so hard to cover from everyone else throughout the day. Was out with dad almost the whole of yesterday. Then dad and bro left to Thailand which leaves me ALL alone by myself in the dark and quiet house with no one else but me and my shadow. Jie met with an accident while practicing during lion dance and called me up so dad told me to go fetch him home from CGH. Met up with Wentao for dinner and a short slacking session. Sent Wentao home before sending Jie home.

On our journey back home while driving, Jie broke the silence with a:
"You look very upset do you know that?"

"Hmm? Do I? No, I'm okay...."

"Cant get used to it huh?"

"Jie, I'm really ok. ... I just..., don't wana talk about it ok?" *Silence*
"I'm sorry, but I know that if I do, I will tear uncontrollably and, I really don't want that."

"Awwww.... ok..."

Jie, thanks for understanding... But I'm sorry I thought I did my best to cover up all my hidden emotions. Or maybe you just know me too well. And to Wentao & Jie, thanks for all your advices, thanks for all the additional concern that you've showered me in recent days. For that short period of meet up yesterday, the lame jokes that the both of you, Kings of Humour, cracked up really cheered me up but unfortunately, it just didn't last as long as I wished it could have.


Of course, my other half, who has checked on me everyday day and night without fail, through all the calls and sms-es, is none other than my longest, best childhood friend and baby sister Yang Cheng. Despite being in the same situation as I am in, she never failed to neglect me and talk to me, hear me out, cheered me up everyday. Thank you darling, I really really REALLY appreciate it. And as much as how touched I made you feel, you can bet that the same feeling that I get from you, is not any lesser. I love you and I just cant wait to go pick you home in 3 weeks time. :))


For people who know me, you would have known that my favourite friendship phrase is,"Birds of the same feathers flock together." I love my friends as we bound to have something in common. I guess that's why we could even make it to being 'friends'. That leaves us with a common interest or a common topic to talk about, to get angry about, to cry about or even to laugh about. At times, we also do get into shits together, face shits together, basically when shits happens. Though I am being consoled because my best friend actually knows totally what I am feeling or what I am going through, and so she someone really understands me, this time round, I am not the least proud or willing to say "Birds of the same feathers flock together."
I've known Yang Cheng since I was in P6. How we became friends was when I saw her reading alone, looking so adorable and lonely at the same time, which was exactly how I was feeling, and this feeling made me approach her. (To ask a very stupid qns if you were to ask next what did I do or say) And that very day came a long way up till today. All these while, we were the best of friends, best of everything we can be, and she, being the lesser courage, lesser exposure one, and the fact of our birth dates, is the younger. In my eyes, my baby sister, one whom I would be the first to stand up and protect her should anyone lay a finger on her at any one time, one whom I will hug her when she's down, one whom I'll pamper whether she's in the right or wrong, one whom I will always be giving her wise advices so that she wouldn't go astray or even be hurt.

Though she's the only one who can understand totally how I feel now, a part of me just wished that this person isn't her. A part of me would rather wished that no one understands how I feel and let me take all this alone, than to have her to be able to understand because this means that these are what she is going through as well. What I am going through now, is terribly suffering I must admit and I am struggling really hard I don't know how long more can I take. & one thing for sure, all of these is something which I do not want her to go through. Because I know clearly well myself that it is tough, it is extreme heart-breaking that we're talking about here and it is really really a period very difficult to go through alone. She posted up a post in her blog recently, a post on hope. And this was what she told me,"I was thinking of you, I was thinking of me, and yah... I wrote that because I think it is so true for the both of us...." Extracting out some stuff, here is what she wrote which (I thought) is exactly how I feel:

i'm so torn. i'm confused and lost. i thought that i was stronger than this.you don't know what you've lost until it's gone. you feel yr life falling apart. you feel like you won't be able to love again. for some, it may be so. for others, for those lucky people who manage to find the strength and courage to love again, they move on. we're all human. we dwell on past losses, past mishaps. in a way, we're hoping that we will be given a second chance. we're hoping that things will go back to normal, the way they were. we continue to hope until one day we realise that all that hoping has caused us to waste precious time...

i want things to work out. i want things to go back to normal. all i can do is hope. i hope that when i finally get off my high horse and learn that love comes before pride, it won't be too late. i hope that i can find the courage and strength to compromise before it is too late. i hope for a lot of things. but above all, i hope that when you decide that i'm no longer the love of your life, i will be able to walk away silently. i hope that i will be able to move on and love another with more passion and vigor, even though that seems relatively impossible now.

I fear, now, the setting of the sun... The black black darkness that hovers each and everyone of us, because that is when loneliness creeps up to me like there's no tomorrow, and I begin to lose all my senses.......

Oh god, please give me a direction in life...